too many questions, not enough answers

not quite sure where to start. life has given me quite a few twists and turns. i suppose i'll start with what's most on my mind these days. sluggo. i miss him. do i miss the thought of him, or actually him? do i miss what i want to happen with us, or what could actually happen? could i be happy just being one of his women, or is there the slightest chance that we could make each other whole? can anyone make me whole? why do i run away from the safe ones? why can't i be content with a nice stable together man who just wants to love me and not judge me or change me into what he thinks i should be. why can't i feel whole just being me? so many questions and not enough answers. where do i find these answers, and if i do find them will i be satisfied with them? the whole damn thing just gives me a headache. i remember a time when i was content just being me. i had a great time with just me and my friends. i didn't need a man, and i didn't want one. what happened to that girl? where did she go? does she still exist way deep down, or did she die with cliff? when did i stop loving myself? did i ever?

i need to start doing things that make me happy again. i was happy when i took pictures, and they were good! not fantastic, but definitley decent. i certainly won't be able to quit my day job but it fills a hole. it gives me satisfaction. i also need to get back to my scrapbooking. christina calls it my book of the dead; i know it's weird, but i'm ok with that. it gave me a sense of peace, a sense that i was helping, a sense that i could love them and they could feel it. what else made me happy? ...............................................................
................................................................why can't i just pick out things that make me happy? am i that miserable in life? why why why??? i just can't seem to pull myself together. where would i even begin..........